3. Absence
This, of course, is where things start to get dicey.
Presence = being-with
Absence = being-without
Holding environment is to primitive agony as presence is to absence.
Because many of us are wounded at precisely the point of experiencing being-without where being-with might have been, ours is an experience of daily, hourly, moment to moment struggle. This ongoing struggle is what comes from not being able to trust in simple presence.
Absence is the unshared aloneness of being-without. It is far more common than we would imagine. Unfortunately, repeated experiences of absence accumulate.
Absence happens. We all know that. But when it keeps happening and we have no way to comprehend or even acknowledge it, we build a life that in a wide variety of ways is designed to pretend the absence isn't even here.
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And yet . . .
postsecret
In words recently spoken by a client: "It's all so fucking lonely and it's all so fucking terrifying."
Where can the crying heart gaze?
— Naomi Shihab Nye
Anonymous writing from the journal of a foster child
Absence happens. For all of us. For some it can be severe in ways that are obvious. For others, it can be equally severe in ways that most others would never notice.
I do not exaggerate when I say that the internal hell (self-loathing, harsh expectations, certainty about being alone) of many students I have worked with at the university level is often equal to, if not more extreme, than the agony of the homeless teens I've come to know through the years.
I am not making this up.
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In the face of so much that feels impossible and overwhelming, current neuroscience is now able to offer a clue to both understanding and working with our internal uncertainty.