14. Transitional Presence
I once heard a man say that he had decided to choose his religion by whichever one had the best imaginary friend. Donald Winnicott might have agreed. Winnicott believed that a young child’s holding companion (what he called a transitional object) was offering an essential relationship that was both imagined and real; more real and more essential than a rational mind can comprehend.
Paraphrasing Winnicott: "My fuzzy friend is partly me and partly you. My friend is me-with-you; you-with-me.
Me AND you. Otherwise I’m only me ... alone.”
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Transitional objects allow us to, well, transition: to bring being-with with us. They also allow us to loosen our grip on
"reality." Children can be given the luxury of not having to decide between the "real" world and a world of deepening, rich, relational complexity, one that includes me, you and us in the essential form of tender, ongoing (wherever I go there you are) companionship.
When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
— Margery Williams
We are hardwired for relationship. We are hardwired for an experience of me with you; you AND me. This need never goes away.
When allowed, young children don't outgrow their gentle companions, rather they bring this trusted presence with them into each encounter from that point forward.
As adults, can we give ourselves the option that securely attached children are given, the option of not having to decide between the “real” world of consensual reality and a reality that offers shared presence deeper than proof?
Rather than wishful thinking, our willingness to risk and trust may be precisely how we enter a realm that can only be experienced through a combination of uncertainty and confidence. It just may take more courage to risk trusting in the unseen (almost)
known than to remain safe in our predictable, procedural ("It's up to me alone, but at least I'm not kidding myself") certainty.
I Pick Up a Hitchhiker
After a few miles, he tells me
that my car has no engine.
I pull over, and we both get out
and look under the hood.
He's right.
We don't say anything more about it
all the way to California.
- Jay Leeming